The Untitled Erin K. Moffat Project…(Excerpt)

The Untitled Erin K. Moffat Project follows the lead character Beatrix Porter on a daily journey through life, as she’s trying to find her life’s purpose. She has attended Community College for far too long. She works as a waitress, and at her older sister Astrid’s Antique shop. Everyone around her including her two nearly grown nephews are moving onward and seem to have focus in their lives; A trait that Beatrix lacks. Her best friend Veronica is a professor at the community college where she still attends. Beatrix is scatter brained and always wanted to be an actress, yet never quite had the focus to pursue her dreams. She also doesn’t truly have the belief in herself, and she craves attention. Everyone tries to reason with Beatrix but she’s a little delusional.

The Setting: The show takes place in small town New England residential, the suburbs, in a quaint picturesque town.

 

INT. ASTRID’S HOUSE NIGHT

(ASTRID, NEPHEW, BEATRIX)

 

ASTRID’S SON 17 SITS IN THE KITCHEN DOING HOMEWORK. BEATRIX MOSTLY STAYS IN THE KITCHEN, ASTRID DOES HOUSE WORK, SHE IS COOKING DINNER, DOING LAUNDRY AT THE SAME TIME, AND POPPING HER HEAD IN THE KITCHEN. THEY ARE ALL MUNCHING ON PRE-DINNER SNACKS.

NEPHEW

(Doesn’t look up from his homework)

You get a haircut?

ASTRID

Looks the same to me!

BEATRIX

Thanks for noticing Nephew! I am starting fresh!

ASTRID

So how was school today?

NEPHEW

Um, who are you talking to?

ASTRID

Whoever!

NEPHEW

(School was) Good.

ASTRID

How’s Professor Smooch Face?

BEATRIX

He told me that I was beyond community college and it was time for me to move on.

ASTRID

I hate to say it he’s right if you don’t move on, you’re going to end up like Karl!

ASTRID MAKES A LEWD GESTURE TO BEATRIX

NEPHEW

Doesn’t your Professor have this conversation with you, once a week?

BEATRIX

Yea!

ASTRID

Are you still in love with him? Over analyzing his every move?

BEATRIX

I don’t know! (BEAT) He touched my shoulders.

ASTRID

Ooh! La La!

NEPHEW

And there it is! Why do you continue to make it a habit of falling in love with unavailable men?

ASTRID

He’s right!

BEATRIX

No, I don’t!

NEPHEW

You do! Remember when the college did a musical last spring and you were convinced that that guy Ryan was your destiny, and you were so excited when he wanted to take you out.

BEATRIX

He did take me out!

NEPHEW

To a gay bar, where in which you met his boyfriend of 5 years!

ASTRID

Or your High School love, who told you point blank “He’s just not that into you.” When he bought you that book for Christmas, but had to read it first himself…

NEPHEW

 …and then wrote you a ‘lovely’ inscription that read:” Just to be clear, you will never be the exception, Merry Christmas.”

BEATRIX

He also said that he loved me!

ASTRID

No, I believe that it said “Love ya, Girlfriend!”

NEPHEW

What was his Drag name again?

BEATRIX

So, I have no Gay dar! How about Clarke? He wasn’t gay!

NEPHEW

No, but if I remember and I’m quoting you correctly he was a crazy creeper.

ASTRID

And you were the “you’ll do girl!”

BEATRIX

What’s the “you’ll do girl?”

ASTRID

He kept telling you how much he loved that other girl in your art class but she was out of his league.

NEPHEW

So you’ll do!

ASTRID

You took him to a play, where you got him in for free and then he asked you back to his apartment where he asked you to “rate” his art project.

CUT TO CLARKE’S APARTMENT

(BEATRIX, CLARKE)

A LARGE LIFE-SIZE COCOON HANGS FROM THE CEILING, AS IT SPINS AROUND, BEATRIX IS IN THE COCOON.

CLARKE

I call this “The human cocoon” Do you feel ready for a metamorphosis?

BEATRIX

(Looking nauseated)

That’s not really what I’m feeling right now.

CLARKE

Now break free butterfly!

CUT BACK TO ASTRID’S HOUSE

NEPHEW

You puked on his shoes?

ASTRID

Oh, not just his shoes, his expensive, boat shoes! And he cried.

CUT BACK TO CLARKE’S APARTMENT

CLARKE SOBS SITTING ON A SOFA, CRYING ON BEATRIX’S SHOULDER, LITERALLY, HE HAS CHILDHOOD SECURITY BLANKET, AND STARTS TO SUCK HIS THUMB, AND TWIST HER HAIR IN HIS HAND. THE CAMERA PANS OVER TO THE BOAT SHOES ON THE FLOOR IN THE BATHROOM.

CUT BACK TO ASTRID’S HOUSE

BEATRIX

I totally feel like Lena Dunham in Girls except less naked! (BEAT) Everyday!

 INT. COMMUNITY COLLEGE SMALL BLACK BOX THEATRE-DAY

(BEATRIX, PROFESSOR, THE I KNOW’S, FRANKIE)

The “I Know’s”: College Freshman #1, and College Freshman #2: Young, Naïve, still in High School mode. They are over the top; speak like they have marbles in their mouths, and everything they say is with total disgust. Freshman #3 is new to their “clique,” and is trying very hard to fit in and catch up. They sit in the audience.

Frankie: College Student techie type.

THERE IS A PARTIAL SET ON THE STAGE, WITH A SMALL STAIRCASE THAT LEADS NOWHERE; BEATRIX IS ON THE STAGE PERFORMING A SCENE WITH 3 OTHER ACTORS. SHE IS SITTING ON THE STAIRCASE WITH HER FACE IN BETWEEN TWO OF THE BANISTER SPINDLES. WHENTHE SCENE STARTS SHE BEGINS TO CRY. ONE STUDENT STANDS CENTER STAGE DRESSED AS A MINISTER, ANOTHER STUDENT IS LYING IN A MAKESHIFT CASKET,PLAYING DEAD, ANOTHER STUDENT STANDS STAGE LEFT. SEVERAL STUDENTS SIT IN THE AUDIENCE WATCHING THE SCENE UNFOLD.

BEATRIX

(Speaking to the actor in the makeshift casket)

Wanna go Climbing Thomas J? His face hurts, and where are his glasses? He can’t see without his glasses. Put his glasses…

PROFESSOR

(Interrupts)

Okay, Okay. I’m going to stop you right there. Beatrix, while I admire your commitment to the piece that you

chose; My Girl was not on the assigned script list. I encourage you to live outside of your comfort zone. And Frankie, how did you get her to rope you into this? (BEAT) Again!

FRANKIE RISES UP FROM THE “CASKET,” SHRUGS HIS SHOULDERS AND LIES BACK DOWN.

CUT TO AUDIENCE

THE PROFESSOR STILL COACHES BEATRIX AND FRANKIE ON THE STAGE (THE I KNOW’S ARE MOCKING BEATRIX)

I KNOW #1

There she goes again with the weird thing she does, quoting old movies.

I KNOW #2

Yea, I know what’s My Girl?

I KNOW #3

I know, like who’s ever heard of that?

I KNOW #1

I know! It’s like movie monologue time with Beatrix Porter.

I KNOW #3

I know, and notice how the Professor like never says anything to her to tell her that she’s like a total freak?

I KNOW # 1

I know, he totally encourages her, they’re like so in love with each other.

I KNOW #2

I know, like when she did this last week? He actually clapped. Like who’s ever heard of Clueless?

FRESHMAN #1

Yea I know! My mom watched that movie in the theater when she was pregnant with me, ok. Old!

FRESHMAN #2

Oh, I know, and they both get the references so they’re like both totally old.

FRESHMAN #1

Ew, I know! My mom is so old she’s like 37.

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