Waiting in Line

originally published on www.WhattheFlicka.com by Erin K. Moffat

So, I got laid off this September because they eliminated my position. Being unemployed I’ve noticed that besides “Do you have a boyfriend” the other topic for discussion is “what are you doing for work?” “Where do you work?” “Still working at the same place?” (This can vary depending on the last time you saw a person).

If people know that you don’t have a job they ask “Find a job yet?” “Any luck with the job search?”

I’ve gotten laid off twice in six years for similar reasons. People say things like “Well, at least you know that it’s nothing that you did.” Rather than looking at this like I’ve been thrown out like yesterday’s trash after 5 years, I’ve been looking at this as a blessing in disguise.

I’ve made the executive decision that my answer will no longer be: “I got laid off,” “Nowhere” or “Nope!” My new answer is “I’m in line.” Cue the puzzled reactions.

Truth, I’m on the unemployment line and I’m waiting in line; but I am in line for a really great job, one that feeds my creativity and keeps me on my toes. After years of working in dead end jobs only to be unfulfilled, I’ve decided to attempt to follow my true passions. I feel like I’ve been working toward nothing. I have been playing it safe, and attempting to live someone else’s definition of what reality should be. It’s not working for me! I need to live my truth! Anything else is just cause for misery and complacency.

I’ve made the commitment that going forward I will be applying for jobs that my parents may think are unconventional, but that people actually make a living doing.

Case in point…

My friend knows someone at SNL, and she said “I don’t even want your resume, just write a funny cover letter, and say that you’ll do whatever. Dude, you can like sweep the stage or something it doesn’t matter.” Now, I’m not exactly sure what kind of a living a stage sweeper actually makes but I applied anyway. I’ve decided to share my cover letter for SNL with you.

To Whom It May Concern:

Please consider my application to do anything at Saturday Night Live. I am willing, ready, and able to sweep the stage. I’m not sure what the exact title would be for that. If the stage sweeper job is already taken I am also willing to plunge toilets. Within reason! I’d kind of like to sweep the stage because I’d imagine that all Stage Sweeps are similar to Chimney Sweeps, and will dance to the Step-In Time Dance from Mary Poppins. I’d also imagine that I would get an official badge.

I will give tours of the green room, or snack bar. I will rev up the audience. I’ll wear an unflattering uniform that will make me look more stocky and matronly than I already do; exposing my pizza crust otherwise known as the muffin top. I would wear Mom Jeans, Culottes, Gauchos, Pajama Jeans, or a 1980’s track suit even. You name it! I don’t know why you’d want me to wear those, but if it was a prerequisite for the position, I would oblige.

I will brush wigs, and/or tap weaves. I will hang costumes on a rolling rack. I will tap dance, but it will depend on the level of dancing that you expect. I will tap dance while tapping a weave, and hanging costumes on a rolling rack. However, let’s not get too crazy here. I’m no Savion Glover! Just stating for the record that while Abby Lee Miller wouldn’t approve of my tap dancing skills; an old lady that smokes a pack of Pall Mall’s a day and teaches dance out of her makeshift studio in her basement would LOVE me.

I’m constantly told that I belong at SNL. I’m sure that everyone says this but just hear me out. I’ve never really “belonged” anywhere to be honest. Doesn’t everyone deserve to be where they belong? I’m pretty sure if there was a superlative in the High School yearbook that read “The Most Invisible Misfit to Society.” It would’ve been me, except; I was kind of invisible so they would’ve given it to the most unpopular popular person. I sat the bench for double headers in softball. Well, because I was really bad at softball. I was always the last one picked for dodge ball, or Hi-Li, which I guess is technically, spelled jai-alai. Wow, learn something new every day. Which I’m sure I would do at SNL. (Learn something new, not play Hi-Li, or jai-alai unless that’s a job requirement) I just don’t see how you could begrudge a person of the opportunity to be where they belong. Just saying!
Thank-you for your time and consideration! Call me!

Best regards,

Erin K. Moffat

They still haven’t called, but I’m still holding on to the hope. I’ve got my push broom, and a copy of The 1982 Movie version of “Hard Knock Life,” from Annie prepared as my Stage Sweep audition piece. Wish me luck because I’m in line!

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