Life-Versary

originally posted on What the Flicka? by Erin K. Moffat 

I’m quickly approaching my _ _ th birthday which is oh so close to _ _. Ahhhh!  For some reason turning _ _ is really hard for me. Turning _ _ wasn’t nearly as difficult.

I should celebrate with that kick ass 80’s prom party that I wanted to have when I turned _ _, 5 years ago. I should be excited that I’m having a Life-versary thanks to my mom carrying me in her body for 9 months and transporting me into the world. Thanks mom, I truly do appreciate it!

They say to never ask a lady her age…I would really like to know who “they” are because they say a lot of stuff. People still ask me my age, but not nearly as much as they ask if I have a boyfriend. When people say that age is nothing but a number I usually agree with them, but I’m not going to lie…I’m totally freaking out. I am not comfortable with turning the landmark age of _ _ to the point I will not admit the age that I will be. I’m in serious denial. I’m more likely to tack my weight to my chest like I’m running a marathon, and throw on a bathing suit a la Tyra Banks and run through the grocery store shouting my weight.

Remember in elementary school when you had to write things over and over on the chalkboard? (I am clearly dating myself when I’m referencing a chalkboard and not a white board)…I have this mental picture of myself writing on a chalkboard over and over again:

I will not admit my age.
I will not admit my age.
I will not admit my age.
I will not admit my age.

This can be a big deal when someone has been married as long as I’ve existed. Wow! Maybe I need to have a Life-versary party!!

The reason I’m struggling to turn this age is because I am feeling old and unaccomplished. I feel like a puppy who’s lost it’s way, but I’ve come to the realization that because I’m turning _ _, I’m no longer a pup. I’m a full-grown b*tch! When did this happen?  I could’ve knocked out a few marriages and divorces by now, procreated several times, and be working my way to a Ph.D. I have done none of those things.

In case you’re curious, now I will give you a few clues as to my whereabouts over the past years of my existence:

1.    In the year of my birth, the BeeGee’s topped the charts with songs like Stayin’ 
Alive, and the movie Grease came out in the theaters.

2.    I rocked 2 different sneakers like Punky Brewster, wanted to have “Punky Power,” and be like Strawberry Shortcake, Rainbow Brite, Jem, and participate in the Care Bear Stare. I wanted to find hidden treasure like The Goonies, and hang with the robot Vicki in Small Wonder.

3.    I rehearsed the song that I planned on winning Star Search with and going on a mall tour like Tiffany with: Debbie Gibson’s,Lost in your Eyes. (cue the bright red Fisher-Price microphone)

4.    I was around for the Cabbage Patch craze of ’83. I owned a Brooke Shields Barbie doll, and a Speak & Spell…or maybe it was a Speak & Read? I don’t really remember.

5.    I owned a hand-me-down banana seat bike, and a Huffy 10 speed. I went roller-skating at a roller rink often. I never learned how to rollerblade.

6.    I loved playing Super Mario Brothers and Duck Hunt on the original Nintendo. I “phoned home” regularly with a pair of yellow telephone Walkie-Talkies.

7.    I was a Brownie but quit Girl Scouts because deep in my heart I wanted to be a member of Troop Beverly Hills and for Shelley Long to be my troop leader, and there were a few girls in my real troop that were more like the Red Feathers.

8.    I’m still mad that my mom didn’t let me go to the New Kids on the Block concert. Donnie’s brother Mark Wahlberg will always be Marky Mark to me.

9.    My favorite thing to do on a Friday night was watch TGIF—especially Full House with John Stamos (who I call ‘Hot’ Stamos). My daily after school TV line-up included The All New MMC, and Kids Incorporated.

10.    I rocked tight rolled jeans with slouch socks, Eastland’s or a pair of Penny Loafers that I put a dime in to be a rebel, but it was also a convenient way to carry change so that I could make two calls on a pay phone.

11.    In middle school I wasn’t allowed to watch the real 90210 or Melrose Place, or listen to Madonna. I did catch up on 90210and was Vogue-ing by high school.

12.    In high school I didn’t have a car phone, a cell phone, and had no desire to rock a beeper. I thought that Zach Morris’s cell phone was rad, and wanted to hang out at The Max and go to Bayside High.

13.    My first job was working at a video store where we rented VHS’s and I played Girls Just Wanna Have FunSister Act 2: Back in the Habit and Clueless once a week. I didn’t watch Dirty Dancing until I was 22.

14.    I am fully aware of Joey’s decision on Dawson’s Creek, and I still have mixed feelings about it.

15.    Now, increase this number by 20 and that’s how old am going to be on my Life-versary.

What are you doing to celebrate your Life-versary?

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